HAHA.
i was listening to Third Eye Blind's Semi-Charmed Life and i started bobbing my head along with the music. felt damn fuckin retarded. but it felt good, been a long time since i felt like this. clearheaded, calm, chirpy, cheery, and most importantly, happier than i have been in ages...

i can't explain this feeling though, but i'm glad my monthly ordeal is ending.LOL.


inter-sch matches are beginning tomorrow, i'm very excited! :)

i had a dream last night. this time, it's not the same recurring dream i've always had about us.
he was with his frens, and i happened to pass by..
weird huh. this is the first time i dreamt of a scenario like this. it was always us along some funny road, jus holding hands in the silence.

omg i'm listenin to Billy Mack's Christmas Is All Around - Love Actually OST.
IT'S HILARIOUS. LOL. love the show too!

i brought back a bunch of vcds yesterday, a lot of sean penn's shows!
21 grams, mystic river, the interpreter, i am sam, at close range....
i'm gonna get assassination of richard nixon soon. i just absolutely admire his acting.
everyone else says he hams it too much for the camera, but i think otherwise. it's just plainly very very good acting. as always. hehe. :)

my hammies are huge now. just 3 weeks old and they've grown so damn much. goodness.

I want something else
To get me through this Semi-charmed kind of life, baby, baby
I want something else,
I'm not listening when you say
Goodbye

oh my gdness.andy has good taste in music.lol.

he sent me anna nalick's breathe (2am) and you don't see me by josie & the pussycats.

totally refreshing honestly. really pleasant on the ears.

went out with simon yesterday...caught failure to launch at suntec. its damn freakin corny, but overall it was quite nice. i think sarah jessica parker is damn hot larh...woah. and that hunk of a lead actor, Matthew McConaughey. but he's really old. but wth, it doesn't really matter anyway. lol.

was so great catchin up with simon yesterday, just like old times, but i guess in our case, old times haven't changed much, and i would never want things between us to change anyway. one of my confidantes and someone who speaks his mind each and every time. he was right there beside me when i bumped into him. i was in well..a state of shock for like a few hours, haha simon can testify to that and he did his best to cheer me up with his interesting theories. thank you! i guess it hit me just out of the blue, just when i least expected it to really, and i wasn't prepared for it. but even if i was mentally prepared my reaction would have remained the same.

was hard larh really, i've tried so very hard to push all my emotions away, but this is where i end up at. square one. the more i try, the harder it is. ultimately, it doesn't take any trying at all absolutely, so i'm just hanging on till that day comes, when i would think back and say, i'm glad, very very glad, with a smile on my face. :)

i sent an sms to xuan and wen the other day, which made xuan tear after she read it.. im glad she understands, and it means more to me than anything else in the world. i'm extremely grateful for that.
it went like this : 'you know, just six months ago i was awaiting the day he would come back.. The day when i could receive him at the airport.. The day i would be so happy jus to see him.. The day i would jus jump onto him and hold him and laugh til there's tears in my eyes..'

i looked at the sms again, with a sort of wistful look on my face, and smiled to myself sadly.

-...i dream a world where you understand...-
-...i dream a million sleepless nights...-
-...well i dream of fire when u're touchin my hand...-
-...but it twists into smoke when i turn on the lights...-

cos you don't see me.

i have mixed feelings. i want to, yet i don't want to..can't bear to.
7th month.

oh anyway im crazy busy this term. club crawl and so many other stuff to settle.
there's gonna be a frenly with jjc girls this sat too, and i submitted the name lists to ying shya like only just now. sigh. hope it can get processed by sat though.

she told me not to be shocked if my dad suddenly drops everything here and impulsively moves over there. i won't be surprised, but i'll be terribly disappointed. its inevitable i guess.

oh and my fav nerd kevin covais is eliminated from american idol. -wails-
i like my nerds! haha typical lena larh..clay aiken, john stevens, anthony fedorov and now kevin covais. i can't kick it really. i like his voice, pure and angeliccc... -sigh-
lol the chicken little comparison was like damn funny larh..but i don't deny the uncanny resemblance man. sigh looks like im gonna support the mcpheever now.
KATHARINE MCPHEE! =)

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

haha. i guess i got a lot of dark bitter chocolate..with an occasional praline/truffle or two.lovely.

"you had me at hello" indeed, you did have me at hello.

i don't know what i want...
he's heading back this week, i don't even know whether we'll meet up or not..
both ways, i don't know what to say or do now.i've nver second-guessed my feelings for him, there wasn't a need to. i don't know so many things..so many things left for me to comprehend..

oh anyway i've learnt mahjong!
its damn fun..but unfortunately, it's ADDICTIVE. haha.
my mum's got an ovarian cyst..and i'm so worried..
and dad's losing his passion ever since my stepmom went back..i don't know what i can do to help both of them...

and gr lied to me about something really impt. it was 2 months worth of the same lie..over and over again...

im sorry, i tried to bury the past..i really tried. but i found out i can't.
i talked to yuwen just now..and she has encouraged me, instead of discouraging me as what alot of my frens are doing right now. she told me things i never knew...and i told her how i felt..how crazy it is..how uncertain...
thank you. i really needed to hear that.

dxo was good. good company. didnt drink at all..was still hung up after zhihong's chalet..lol.

gotta sleep now,cya.

im tired.relentlessly tired.lol.

after the whole gr-cheryl-lena fiasco has blown over, i feel much much better. i worried abt him being pressured by her threats and such. it was nerve-wreckin for me cos i couldn't do anything to help him, or her. i guess she has her reasons for backstabbin me that time, insecurity jealousy blah. during those 3 1/2 yrs, i'm sure he has treated her very very well, and she took him for granted. why go to such means just to get him back? he's tired too. hope she understands that.

i went sji yesterday with the squashers for training. eye-candy.HEH. oops. anyway LOL.
i still marvel at how guys can react and play so so so well! and some really look shuai when they play k! =)

it's fascinating how i've FINALLY packed my drawers and table. took so long for me to actually get down to doing it! i thought back to how the past 6 months has passed so quickly, and how i've always longed to see him again.. things have changed. he had his reasons, and i had to accept that. but it's really saddening when i went through my file of everything ivan-related. dates, pictures, letters. i read them and smiled. i love him, and he'll always have a special place in my heart.. it's been eons since i last wrote him a letter, i've always stopped myself from doing so, cos i know writing it would hurt me shitloads. ive stayed away for as much as possible, but still somehow i always wish he knew how i felt. he's been damn busy in london, and i guess it's better this way..

im having a damn $*^#%)^$ huge ulcer in my mouth and it hurts just to talk. urgh. and i accidenally scalded my tongue while drinkin hot tea just now. im damn dumb sometimes!

i talked about a lot of stuff tearfully last thurs. i like talking to her, cos she understands and she never fails to continue the conversation. and she made me realise a lot of stuff. like how i thought about the consequences before actually making a decision. i can be impulsive, but i am not most of the time.. i love my parents dearly, but what my dad is going tru now is most prob hell. i can sympathise but i guess i can't say it's the same cos i have not been married before. my stepmom went back to thailand, jus when i was beginning to warm up to her. my dad's really sad abt it, filled with uncertainty and all.. and he said a lot of stuff to me which got me extremely worried about him. sigh. things are just beyond my control, and i always can't help but feel that way.

i'm such a little cynical bitch ever since God-knows-when. i can't help not believing, not having faith. things between ivan and i were totally beyond my control and as i've said, he had his reasons, and i understand. i'm sure i did all i could for him, and it goes the same for him too. but it's screwed up all the same. how a simple thing isn't as simple as it seems to be... gosh i sound retarded. i don't understand myself sometimes.

i went out to town with eunice,ser and cx yesterday for dinner. long john silver! haha. and we talked and crapped a lot. girls talk. hahas. it felt so great to have fun, to be able to let loose and i came back with a much lighter heart. thanks!

i was goin through my wardrobe just now and it struck me. i've changed so much!
ive gained weight..LOL.
im like...so much more feminine now. i have no idea whether its a good or bad thing. i've always dressed up for him although i didn't need to. its so sad sometimes.. it was 2nd march yday.
6 long months...

ive had great company for the past month!
and although blah blah guorong's gf is like totally backstabbin me right now blah blah cheryl kiss my ass blah blah nah it doesn't affect me much..
guorong has been a great guy to her, she just took too long to realise it.. and now when she wants him back, he...well..obliges. as usual. awww...
leopards do not change their spots, i assure you.
and i have a damn good mind of startin world war 3.
i hope she cherishes him, honestly. gr is an absolute angel to her..
gosh. sometimes i wonder how can she even bring herself to say such stuff to him!
oh and i jus saw some #*&)$&$@ photos in his old phone dat dae...appalling i was disgusted.
she forced him, and of cors...he obliged. wtf.
wish he wouldn't be so naive sometimes. girls are not all that innocent...

oh anyway back to happier stuff!
bought like..a lot of clothes, 5 blouses, 3 skirts, a handbag, and 2 pairs of underwear. they had little ribbons on dem! so totally cute.LOL i must sound so weird right now.
yea a lot of food too, marche's rosti, softshell crabs, calamari rings, fish and wedges!
my stepmom's back too, had to settle some stuff for quite a while..

you know, i've grown quite affectionate regarding my family. i wish i could spend more time with my mom, but yet..yea..my stepmom's been really really great to me, honest to God. and i thank God too that shes not evil like those wicked witches. ahh. yess..

i got a really nice present that day, it's an ornament..candle holder. a pretty dang nice one i must admit.and i think a really exp one too. sigh.